Many years ago when I was in College, in an overly stagnate Orchestral rehearsal (I think we were waiting on a violin “sectional” to end or something like that), the story below started taking shape. This “little ditty” was composed by myself, a fellow Hornist, and a Clarinetist. Now, I don’t remember which of us wrote which section, this paper had seen better days so, I will leave the credits off. But, I did leave the section pauses where each new addition was added.
Now, I know this will invite the spammers but, How about some help finishing this story? In its current state, it’s kind-of a “cliff hanger” so we need a little help. Let’s help the gerbil of generosity out… Help our story, please! Oh, and please follow the ruling of Ghostwriter #2… Keep it clean!
Once upon a time…
The gerbil of generosity decided to visit the Egret of Evil to convince him to give his money and time to the….
Polar Bear of pessimism, for he was sorely in need of help because he was living in…
the Shack of Shame with the Walrus of whimsicality and the Snake of Sin. The gerbil, who by the way was engaged to the Rat of Reluctance, was so concerned for the Polar Bear of Pessimism, that she decided she had to sell her body to the Lizard of Lust. But because of poor planning, she was caught in the act by the Looking Lemur. He made pictures and threatened to sell them to …
The VIGOROUS VIPER OF VEXATION!!!!!!! The Viper was so captivated by the photos of the gerbil that he threatened the Rat of Reluctance with certain decapitation. (Which, by the way of his reluctance of all things, he probably deserved anyway). The Viper conspired with the Looking Lemur to catch the gerbil as she was leaving the grocery store (buying fish for the Polar bear) and take her to…….
The DEN OF DEMOSTRATISM, which was the lair of the Vaginal vulture of Vulgarity who was in cahoots with the Condor of Conspiracy (who was the King of all these Voracious demons, but only on Sunday). There in that luxurious lair they decided to…
butcher the Dainty deer of Decency and sacrificially consume her virginal limbs and her saintly neck and breasts. But just then, The Punctual Pirate leapt into their lair and slashed the heads off of The Bad Birds and then proceeded to take photos and…
…PAUSE…
Ghostwriter #2 has consulted with the official censorship committee which has decreed the aforementioned paragraphs to be “lewd, lascivious and somewhat lacking in the taste and spirit in which this story was begun.” Therefore, it is the opinion of the committee that Ghostwriter #2 shall refrain from further participation, until such time as the other writers can better express their sexual frustrations without completely grossing out Ghostwriter #2. Thank you for your consideration in this matter.
…CONTINUATION…
But just then, the Hound of Happiness and the Pelican of Peace and the Owl of Outward Joy came in and spread the love of all mankind to each person. Everyone apologized to each other and spread peace and joy until…
(This is better) The Son of Sustaining showed up and forced everyone to partake of the joy of living. This pissed off the whole crowd and caused scattered rioting and looting.
changes handwriting here .. no it doesn’t .. yes it does .. hee, hee, hee, Stop it!
So, the Rat of Reluctance invited two of his closest friends out for beer, but neglected to ask the Puppy of Perpetuity to go along, therefore, hurting her feelings and causing her to go to the police and…
Ask the Chief (that waskally warthog) to arrest the Rat of Reluctance because he was mean, and more importantly, that the Puppy had proof that the rat…
had committed a weewy, weewy bad cwime. Aduwtawy. But because of the obscene amount of joy that now surrounded all of the Alliterated woodland creatures, nobody cared about that deadly sin. In fact, they all became Eunuck Unitarians. (Not that all Unitarians are that way) But then, the Caustic Catholic of Condemning entered the scene, ending all joy and causing chaos, which resulted in…
the police setting everyone free and the police declaring the rat to be Pope Mark I he ruled with fierceness and cruelty. Little did he know that the puppy was plotting his demise, for she and the Caustic Catholic ( who was jealous that he was overlooked in the haste) were going to get a …
bad-ass sledge hammer to slay the whole lot of them. But then, the Gerbil of Generosity recovered from the happiness that surrounded them all and killed everyone that he saw. Then, all the people hiding in the sewers began to emerge and then…
Out came a lone woman, wearing a white pup tent. From beneath the dress, came four small, Chinese rabbits (“small” meaning “only 120 pounds each). And their names were…
Wing, Wang, and Wong The rabbits who could sing tenor. The fourth, Earl could not sing, and was subsequently pushed over, into the orchestra pit below and was devoured by the trombone section. Meanwhile, Wing, Wang, and Wong became alarmed at their new found freedom and began chasing the
large…
The very large green-clad soprano. Who subsequently ate the set and the orchestra. However, because of severe indigestion because of eating the bassoons (they were actually ugly sticks, disguised as bassoons), the soprano wretched the brass section and the woodwind section —
Fortunately, she kept down the strings. Because the brass section was temporarily consumed, after the wretching, they were disoriented and started to…
Jump and yell because, though the strings were gone, they were substituted by a clan of Irish Gypsy-type people who looked and sounded like…
they were choking on malt liquor (which, for Irish Gypsies, was not an unusual scene). Just then, the green-clad soprano belched up the strings, much to the consternation of the Gypsies and the brass, who were just getting accustomed to the smell of …
Gallons of wretch fluid. However, the strings were otherwise affected and they smelled like wet dogs. Even though, the soprano rather enjoyed that smell and decided to re-consume the strings, in an effort to reclaim that most precious odor. Just as the concert-mistress was passing the rather large gullet of the soprano…
© 2011, Robert Owen. All rights reserved.
